Ghosts of Boys Past

If you think that my life has been boring since I decided I was REALLY over Jason rest assured, it has not. Its recently come to my attention however that I've been virtually stalked for awhile now and I'm still trying to make heads and tails of everything. In a weird twist, and really only in this situation, I think it is kinda cute. I'm not even sure if he was reading this blog but with the way the whole situation has played out so far no point in taking the chance. I would say maybe we are just friends but in the interactions so far I'd say that is not the case, I don't usually get as friendly or flirty with my friends as I have been with him. For me the whole thing really came out of the blue and it seems that is not the case for him. I'm not really sure what we were to begin with but this poses the question:

If you have ever been more that "just friends" with someone and then you just sort of stop talking for no real reason and suddenly they show back up, what do you do?

Oh and if you are reading this blog (you know who you are) it would probably help if you just come out and tell me what you want out of us talking again. I could be up for something but will totally talk myself out of any chances given time to overanalyze the situation. Just a thought though.

Down and out

Jason has a missionary coming home. When I found this out, I lost all interest. That was it. Maybe because I know what its like to go back and forth on if I like someone or not and I've drug 3rd parties through the roller-coaster with me but the second he said that I was done. Its been a month and I haven't looked back. I still hear from him daily but now I just talk to him the way I would anyone else. Even if he decided he's done with the missionary (she gets back in a couple weeks) I'm not interested. The end.

Chicken of the Sea?

So a week and a half ago I called a good friend of mine (let's call him Ryan) that has watched me through quite a few dating dilemmas just to chat and catch up. Inevitably my love life came up. I told him it was a total disaster, there were 3 choices one I really wanted to pursue and 2 backups that I could pursue if I put any effort into it. Of course the more interesting story is the one I want to pursue so he asked for the short version: He's been emailing me for almost 4 months, we had plans but due to an awkward situation with his ex I cancelled and now he backs out of everything and claims to be shy at dating. In a reply that very few people can get away with he told me "you're being an idiot. I have to go but IM me in the morning and I'll tell you why" of course I IMed him first thing the next day. Here's his theory:

He watched me have a similar "relationship" with a guy all through college (lets call him Scott). The boy was very cute, very social and had tons of friend. He was also very uncomfortable with dating and consequently it took YEARS to sort things out. This is sounding very familiar to me right now. His argument is that Jason is very social in every way except dating and just like Scott they both take dating very seriously, he says this is my "type". They will hang out with friend go to things, even hang out with girls but when it comes to dating they like to be more cautious and they don't like to put themselves out there to be hurt. I also come across as very social and outgoing and if I want to do something I will find a "date" and go and not think twice about it, unless I actually like the guy in which case I have to really pep-talk myself first. To the untrained eye (pretty much anyone but a very few select friends) I go on dates like crazy and am not intimidated by boys. So here's why I'm an idiot. Jason invited me to go to the movies with his friends- he probably feels comfortable enough in that I won't totally embarrass him infront of his friends but this way he can easy into stepping up the relationship from digital to an actual relationship. I said yes so he was all excited and then I cancelled- he was disappointed. I turned around and invited him to the fair which for me was a big deal since I like him but to him he was no different than any of the other things I do and to him it was more good timing at being around when I needed a date so when he cancelled it did not even the score. In my mind I was waiting for him to ask me out but in his mind I haven't really demonstrated much of an interest and I've already burned him once so the solution is I need to ask him out on a date that will be just us and make it obvious it is a date. (thank you to friends that can tell it to you how they see it- he justified this with a few stories from the Scott era) He argued that it wasn't too late and that he would have stopped emailing me if he wasn't interested and the emails were shorter because he was getting frustrated

So with that in mind, I sent an email: This email and FB thing is fun but I'm much more entertaining in person. I have a proposition: I love halloween and have never been to a haunted house, you love all things haunted so lets go to a haunted house. tonight. (the other argument was that I needed to do it quick rather than give him time to think things over) I got a reply of "Alas, tonight and this weekend are booked for me. But a haunted house does sound like fun, and I'm always up for fun. I'm sure you are fairly entertaining as well. I'm really not. I just put up a front when I go in for interviews and online messages. So be prepared for my shell. Next weekend has plans in motion but I'll know for sure hopefully this weekend what will and will not pan out. What are your plans for then?" we made tentative plans for the following Friday (this past weekend) pending the plans of a buddy that he had coming into town. Monday rolled around and we emailed and talked about the haunted house, tuesday and wednesday we didn't talk at all and thursday it just didn't come up. I finally asked if he were one and got, I can't believe I forgot to tell you, I can't go. My friends are going next week, why don't you come with us though?

My thought we had he said no outright to the haunted house I'd be done emailing. Whats the point of constantly emailing if nothing ever comes of it? He said yes but now keeps changing the plans so now I'm at a cross roads. There are a few possible explanations I have some I came up with and some are other opinions. I'm really not sure what to make of it.

I've gotten close to 300 emails from him over the last 3 and a half months so that he is interested in not up for debate but where to take it from here sure it!

#1- "Face Value"- He really did have plans, I should take the reschedule and not think twice.

#2- "Chicken"- He really is scared I won't like him when we go out. Over the last 4 months he's built it up in his head making it even more intimidating so I need to just be patient and go with him and his friends- he'll probably be more comfortable with them there and act himself anyway.

#3- "Too Many Fish in the Sea"- He is interested but also has a few other girls and not sure how to handle the situation. He doesn't want to limit himself or cut off any options. The rescheduling it to string me along until he can make up his mind. I should just tell him either we need to actually do things or we need to stop emailing and move on.

#4- "Everyones Friend" - He never pulls the trigger for fear of rejection, I should drop him now, he's had plenty of chances.

Ryan take is a combo of 1 & 2- he keeps trying to fit it in but it also scared so that is why he chooses the other options and that going with his friends will give him a wing man and also make it harder to back out (its harder to cancel on a group than one person) He also says that I am always attracted to this type and work great with them once I get past the initial start-up so I should just be patient and go with it and unless he flat out cancels take it as he's trying.

I'm open for advice. I'm not sure how much longer my patience will hold out.

1...2...3...4...?

how many months do I want to wait for this? last Tuesday my little brother called and asked me out on a date for Friday. Cute right? considering that certain other people aren't asking me out in a time line I'm ok with and I've now spent quite a while thinking he was a good idea, saying yes to my brother seemed like a great idea. Friday rolled around and as usual, the emails were going. As with every previous weekend, what we were each doing for the weekend came up. Early on I used to get excited that by asking what my plans were maybe he'd ask me out but now I look at it as more of a topic of discussion. You can imagine my surprise when he said his plans had cancelled and he wanted to get a date and what was I up to? I thought for maybe a second about canceling on my brother but then decided not to, after all he had told his girlfriend he couldn't go out that night plus did I really want to be that accessible? I don't really like the games but at the same time the chase is good. We talked for quite awhile about how col it was my brother was taking me out. He thought that was great and was really excited about it.

So here it is Monday. He's being weird in email, again. He's being weird when I tell him about my weekend, (I ran into an old friend that I hadn't heard from in years) but yet, do I have any dates with him? No.

So the question is, how long do I want to keep him around for? I do have a few other options that I've been stringing along on the side that I could be a little more friendly with but I also suspect that once I explore other choices he will drop away and it seems like he's getting a little more forward with things so I'm not sure what I want to do. But then my alternate choices won't really let me string them along indefinitely either so there are choices to be made...

Worth waiting around for or not?

Settling?

Some boys just don't take a hint. Friday a week ago I was driving home from work when who should call but the one-hit-wonder (OHW) boy. I'm not going to lie my first thought was to ignore the call but then I decided that would just lead to more calls and I might as well just get it over with so I answered.

OHW- so I figured that since I haven't heard from you in a week that means you probably decided not to take me up on the 5-date compromise. I just had to call and ask though, I mean when your future is on the line you have to find out

Me- Sorry about that, I thought it over quite a bit and I just don't think this is a good idea. I feel like I would just be wasting your time and money by letting you take me out

OHW- How is that wasting time and money? you are an amazing girl and together we are an amazing couple and I think the future could be endless for us.

Me- I appreciate you calling and thank you for thinking I'm that amazing but there are other girls out there that will be even better for you

OHW- I know that but I would be ok with you

Me- yeah, sorry this just won't work out.

OHW- well if you change your mind I'll always be here and if you ever have an emergency you can call me. I want to hear all about your triathlon tomorrow

Me- oh well, they had to shorten the swim portion so I'm sure it will be great. Good luck with everything

So that he called to find out if he had a chance I can respect. I know that one of the worst things is wondering "what-if" but I think that the other half of making that call is knowing that if the answer is no it just has to be no and because you are the one that brought it up you can't be a jerk about it if the person you called is being nice. Telling me that he knows there are better girls out there but he's ok with me really came across as he'd settle for me, not exactly the romantic-win-my-heart kind of comment I'm sure he was going for.

I did not call to tell him the triathlon results either. I think a clean finish is good, especially since we weren't friends to begin with.

Let's Define "Compromise"

Well, I'm in a mess. The one-hit wonder date seems to be unfazed by my lack of interest and is confusing my very busy schedule for, well, a very busy schedule rather than the date-dodging that it really is. Most people seem to run from the first sign of "no" but not this guy. I decided we needed to let him down gently. I prefer not to crush his little heart that our make out was just that and not a confession of my love-for-him-at-first-sight.

Monday- missed phone call, followed by a text that he just remembered I was at the movies followed by a voicenote. (Really? why did you not leave a voicemail message when you called me 5 minutes beforehand?) "Just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm sorry if we jumped into kissing too soon for you the other night. That was probably too physical for a first day"

Tuesday I avoided replying to him for a few hours, once he'd asked how late I stayed up, what chocolate brand I liked, did I like Toblerone, was I awake still, and what for my plans for the night; I finally replied that I was going to bed and ignored all the previous texts.

Wednesday night I was sick and didn't reply again. This time I was dodging things like, smile, I miss you you, hope to see you soon... and the like. I finally replied around 11 p.m. and told him I was sick (I really was) and was going to bed. He offered to bring me chicken soup. I said no. Even if he wasn't a weirdo I would have said no, I was tired and not about to stay awake any longer than necessary.

Thursday- this was it, the day I was pulling the plug. I'd given it a lot of thought and had it figured out. I sent him this text: "So I don't think this is going to work for me, we got too physical too fast. Sorry." I didn't think I'd hear back from him at all but I was wrong. I get the following reply: "How about a compromise?" I know I grew up in a different world than most but I thought the idea of a compromise was pretty universal and I had no idea how not seeing each other could be compromised but he had a suggestion: "give me 5 dates, if I try to get physical or at the end of those 5 I'm not what you want, I'll disappear." He then told me I can think in it since its such a "big decision". I think the compromise he had in mind was the nothing physical part but I don't see why on earth he would want to spend money on me when I told him no. plus FIVE dates? That is like a whole month of dates! why oh why would I spend with a guy that I have no interest in?

Meanwhile: Jason is confusing me.

Tuesday I heard from him and he was canceling our date on Saturday. I'm pretty disappointed about this. At the time he claimed it was the mission farewell for a long time family friend but I've now developed my own theory. He told me today that he gets super nervous when it comes to going on dates. He says he's fine doing things and I know he's made out with his share of girls but call an activity a date and he will panic. I think he had too long to think about it and panicked. I also think this means the movie outing (which I cancelled) was more of a date in his book than it was a "hang out." I told him that some guy I randomly met wanted to date seriously and had suggested a 5 date compromise and he didn't seem to like this story at all (I left out the kissing part) he told me to tell him that a good compromise is we have 0 dates and I'm nice to him if I ever see him again. (little did he know just how weird this guy keeps getting and what a compromise that is on my end! my ability to be nice drops with each time I say no)

Needless to say, one-hit-wonder is just that and will be getting NO dates but I still want to date Jason- I'm just not sure how to make this happen. I have a theory that the slightly older Mormon guys worth dating tend to need a little extra work and I've decided I'm ok putting in the work for him. I just don't know how to approach it...

Oh and now I need a date for Saturday since he cancelled :(

Things in threes?

They say people die in threes but apparently there are a few more things that happen in threes, like boys.

Friday night my emailing "friend" (the one I mentioned last week) and I established that we are going to the State Fair next weekend. Yeah! it is also officially a date so this is a good thing. Thank you for the votes with what to do. He ended up initiating things after all.

Not 30 minutes after we finished talking a friend from a prior ward who I hear from every few months sent me a IM (apparently I'm very into electronic communication lately) and asked for my number so we could go out sometime. He's been a casual friend for awhile so while it isn't as exciting as the State Fair, I'm sure it could be fun.

The next day, Saturday, I was up the canyon and met this guy who started small talking and when I went to leave asked for my number. I decided to go for it, I mean, asking for my number doesn't even mean he'll actually use it so what does it hurt.

3 boys, 15 hours. And one of me. I never handle juggling more than 2 well.

Unfortunately he did use it, right away. I was watching the BYU - Oklahoma game and he wanted game updates. After we pulled off the win, he suggested we celebrate by eating ice cream. I decided again to go for it. (bad idea) after all, its just ice cream right? He came over and we were laughing then sitting at the table eating and he decided to hold my hand. Then he suggested we cuddle on the couch. I was very sunburnt and not that interested in cuddling (I'm still excited about the State Fair, this week is not a good week for other boys) but then I also like to cuddle and I was already holding his hand (bad idea, I know) so I didn't see too many other choices. We cuddled for all of 5 minutes before he decided to kiss me. I knew at this point that I wasn't THAT into him but of course it was late, I was tired and kissing is fun. So I went with it.

Here is a list of things not to tell a girl the day you meet her and the first time you are kissing:

You are my universe

You are the 7th girl I've ever kissed and already you are more important than any of the others, including my ex-fiance

I really wanted my first kiss to be over the alter

Have you kissed much more people than me? I bet you haven't you don't seem like a slutty girl (I've kissed QUITE a few more... does that mean I'm a slut?)

We are an amazing couple

Can I see you every day this week?

I don't want to go home tonight

Want me to take my shirt off? (I would like to point out that everything was totally appropriate so where the idea to start taking clothes off was coming from is beyond me)

I've never worked anywhere for more than a few months. Either I quit or get fired

I still live at home (he's pushing 30) and besides my mission I always have

I currently don't have a job

One day I plan to finish college

Will you come to my ward temple night this week with me?

The good thing that came out of all of this is now I just have to figure out how to juggle the email boy and the guy from my old ward (who I'm hoping will take awhile to ask me on a date anyway so then I won't have to worry about it!)

As for the guy I kissed... I already turned him down four times this week to do things so I'm hoping he gets the idea.

Yeah for this Saturday though!